Vol. 1 Chapter 6

As soon as I woke up in the morning, I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror.

Just as I thought… it wasn’t there.

I couldn’t see the points anymore.

Just like how it had started suddenly, it ended just as suddenly.

Since I’d been seeing them all this time, the sense of something being off was intense.

“…Yes.”

The word slipped out of my mouth before I knew it.

At last, I was free from those points that had been tormenting me all this time.

Yeah. This is something I should be happy about, isn’t it?

I’d always wanted to stop seeing them.

Up until now…I don’t even know why, but it’s been painful.

There’s no need to see points. I can’t even say there were that many times I was glad I could see them.

A clear field of vision.

And yet…why don’t I feel that refreshed? Maybe I’m just not used to this state yet, not being able to see them.

Even when I went to the classroom, I couldn’t see anyone’s points. It was just… a completely normal world.

“Why didn’t you come yesterday?”

Kasuga’s voice made me flinch.

When I turned around, she was standing there with a face that looked like a ghost. Pale white, her lips tinged a bluish purple like cyanosis. What’s with that face? I thought, but couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say that I actually did go, either.

『Sorry. But…』It’s fine, right? You liked Soyama, after all. Congrats. Be happy. No, no, I’m not Kou-chan.

“Why do you look so down, Kasuga?”

『…Do I really look that bad?』Go check a mirror.

Right then, the bell signaling the start of class rang, cutting off our conversation. Kasuga went back to her seat, looking like she still had something to say, but didn’t even know what it was herself.

During class, my phone vibrated. It made me feel oddly restless. I was already unsettled, not being used to this state of not being able to see points.

Naruse〉“Do you remember? After school today.”

Right. I remembered. I was supposed to go to Naruse’s house today.

Me〉“Of course. I’m looking forward to it.”

Still, now that I couldn’t see points anymore, it wasn’t like I didn’t feel inconvenienced. That inconvenience mostly showed up during breaks between classes.

Like when having casual conversations with people.

I couldn’t instantly recall my classmates’ points anymore, so I didn’t know which side to take. For now, I could still manage since I roughly remembered the balance of power, but once we moved up a grade and changed classes, I felt like I’d be in trouble. Even now, when talking to people outside my class, I was already struggling a bit.

But what troubled me even more was when I couldn’t understand my own feelings.

While talking to a classmate I used to avoid because their points were low, I suddenly noticed that I was actually enjoying the conversation. I panicked and tried to steer things back on track, but looking back calmly, I don’t think that was the right call.

When it comes to relationships, I’m no longer able to make calm, rational decisions. My accuracy has dropped.

Am I going to be okay like this?

Another thing that bothered me was not knowing what my own current points were. I used to carry a small mirror in my pocket and check my points all the time. But now that I couldn’t do that, I had no idea whether I was making the right choices in real time, and it made me uneasy.

What if my points were dropping without me realizing it?

That thought scared me. My confidence was gradually fading.

Part of me wanted to make up an excuse and cancel going to Naruse’s house. Until I got used to this『normal』state without points, having close, personal conversations with anyone felt dangerous.

But I couldn’t come up with a good excuse, so in the end, after school, I found myself heading to Naruse’s place with her.

“E-excuse me for intruding.”

I stopped at the entrance, standing stiffly and nervously calling out toward the inside of the house. Naruse looked at me curiously.

“There’s no one home, you know?”

“…Why is no one home?”

“Who knows? Why do you think?”

Naruse gave a slightly mischievous smile, then lightly patted my back.『Come on in.』

Urged along, I took off my shoes and stepped inside.

Naruse’s house was spacious and newly built, and like her, it smelled nice.

“Don’t stare so much.”

Just like that, the two of us went to her room.

“It’s kind of weird having you in my room, Aoki.”

Naruse’s room, with its white-toned furniture, had both tasteful design and layout, refined and elegant. For a high schooler, it felt almost too mature. It looked like something straight out of a magazine. Completely different from Kasuga’s room, I thought.

“Aoki, you’re thinking about something other than me right now, aren’t you?”

Saying that, Naruse pinched my cheek.

『Eh, I’m not thinkin’ about anything』I tried to say, but her grip was stronger than I expected, making my words come out slurred.

“You’re always like that, Aoki,”

Naruse said with a small sigh.

“When you’re with me, you’re always thinking about something else.”

I didn’t even have the energy to say,『That’s not true』 and I just stood there, feeling slightly beaten down, staring blankly at her.

“Think about me right now.”

She looked straight at me, and it made me a little nervous. I ended up averting my eyes.

“I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do in moments like this. What about you…what did you do?”

At that, Naruse suddenly blushed, stepped back, and put some distance between us.

“Uh, um… d-do you… want to?”

“Want to?”

“I mean… I have, but…”

I didn’t understand what she meant and felt confused, but my reaction seemed to irritate her.

“Want to what?”

“I mean…you don’t get it?”

Her voice sounded slightly strained.

In the next moment, Naruse closed her eyes.

And then it finally clicked for me, way too late. Wait… is that what this is? What do I do? So this is what it means to not be mentally prepared, I thought. But to me, Naruse standing in front of me looked just as unprepared as I was.

“Hey…I just thought of something. This isn’t like a punishment game or anything, right?”

“…What do you mean?”

“Like, Naruse, you lost some kind of game and someone told you to do this. Like it’s a prank or something, and right now you’re—”

“What are you talking about? Has that ever happened to you before?”

It has.

“No.”

“I wouldn’t do something like that to you, Aoki.”

Naruse let out a sigh.

“I don’t want to play mind games. I’m done with that kind of thing.”

In that『done』I could sense the presence of someone from her past, and it made me a little tense. Getting jealous over something like that is pathetic. But when she drops hints like this, it’s hard not to wonder.

“I want to talk honestly about everything. So you should be honest too, Aoki.”

That’s impossible, I thought.

No one would ever like the real me.

That feeling existed inside me, almost like a certainty.

The only thing I could believe in was that rough, unpleasant texture of that thought.

The fake version of me is the one people like, and that’s the version Naruse likes too…or at least, that’s what it felt like.

Thinking that, I calmly lied,『I always tell the truth.』

“Sorry. I’m being annoying, right?”

Naruse averted her gaze and lowered her head slightly.

“Sit down for a second”

Naruse said, so I sat on the edge of the bed. She sat next to me, and naturally, we ended up facing each other. Just like Kasuga and Soyama last night.

“There’s actually something I wanted you to hear today, Aoki.”

“Huh? What is it?”

“There’s something I’ve been keeping to myself.”

Naruse looked uncertain, and seeing that unease in her made me feel anxious too.

“I couldn’t say it because I thought you might hate me.”

Naruse grabbed my hand.

“But I want to be honest.”

This is bad, I thought.

This is exactly the kind of situation I’m bad with.

If this were a supersonic jet flying through the sky, I’d hit the eject button without hesitation.

“It’s about my ex. Have you ever… had one?”

In my mind, I pictured myself opening a parachute and diving away from reality.

“I’ve never gone out with a girl.”

“Yeah. I kind of figured.”

She said it so casually that it stung a little, but I tried not to show it on my face.

“You seem like you don’t have much experience with relationships, Aoki. But… that’s kind of what’s nice about you.”

That caught my attention, but I let it slide.

“So, what kind of guy was your ex?”

“You know him too.”

“Someone from our class?”

“Soyama.”

【This is the worst!】I screamed inside my head.

I kept a calm face, but inside my brain it was just: worst worst worst worst worst worst worst worst worst worst.

“…Oh, right. I need to go watch anime.”

“Huh?”

“I have to watch this anime that airs in the evening. A rerun. I never miss it. I have to watch it. Immediately. So I’m going home. Later!”

With the most energy I’d shown all day, I sprang to my feet—only for Naruse to grab my arm tightly.

“Stop suddenly getting energetic only when you’re running away.”

“…Sorry.”

Even so, I ran out of Naruse’s room.

Soyama…Mario…sea lion… Indonesia… Ashio Copper Mine Pollution Incident… I’m done. My thoughts were so scrambled that I’d started a word-chain game in my head from Soyama’s name. That’s how messed up my brain was.

What’s wrong with her ex being Soyama?

Nothing. Nothing at all. This is completely my fault. I know that. I understand it logically. But this is bad.

I tried to sort through everything that had happened so far.

That arcade incident in June. When Soyama brought Naruse along that time… were they already dating back then? While I was happily chatting with Naruse, they were actually a couple? No way. Why did Soyama bring her there? No, no. He must’ve known I sometimes talked to Naruse during lunch and brought her to warn me off. Like,『Don’t mess with my girl.』No way, no way, no way!

I grabbed my head.

Since when…and until when…were Naruse and Soyama together?

I can’t ask.

I’m dying to know, but if I ask, I’ll look like a narrow-minded jerk. So there’s no way, absolutely no way, one hundred percent, that I can ask.

Then… who should I ask?

Soyama?

No way. Absolutely not.

“Aoki.”

Don’t talk to me.

“Aoki, sorry, I’ve got a favor to ask.”

I heard Soyama’s voice and turned around.

It was after school.

“W-what?”

I answered, feeling a small bead of sweat form on my back.

“I’ve got something to do right now. I’m on cleaning duty today, but…”

Soyama clasped his hands together like a joke, smiling as if he were praying.

“Aoki, can you cover for me?”

I stared at his face.

Thinking that this guy had known things I didn’t and had been acting on them all along made irritation build up inside me. Normally… I probably would’ve just agreed.

“No.”

The moment I said it, I thought, shit.

“Do it yourself, Soyama. Don’t get cocky.”

For a split second, Soyama looked stunned. Then immediately—

“Who do you think you’re talking to?”

His expression turned aggressive, like a hornet. Danger, an alarm went off in my head.

“…Anyway, I can’t.”

Trying not to provoke him any further, I quickly left the scene.

Walking briskly down the hallway like I was escaping, I thought maybe losing the ability to see points had made me act a little strange. If I kept stepping out of character like this, I was going to get burned someday.

Talking back to Soyama like that… it was reckless.

I couldn’t read the room anymore.

I need to be more careful. School life isn’t that forgiving.

I told myself that, but still… not being able to see points made me feel unsettled.

But more serious than that… something else happened later.

That day, it was raining. Not just rain, but a full-on sudden downpour. I was heading home, glad I’d checked the forecast and brought an umbrella.

Kasuga〉“Help me.”

I ignored it and put my phone in my pocket, but it kept vibrating. In the end, I clicked my tongue and took it out again.

Kasuga〉“I forgot my umbrella.”

I didn’t really want to see Kasuga. Ever since I stopped being able to see points, that urge to avoid her had come back and I didn’t want to meet her.

Reluctantly, I turned back toward the school.

At the entrance, Kasuga was there.

Looking closely, she was completely soaked and I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“Why are you that drenched?”

“I thought for a second maybe I could just run home using my bag as an umbrella…but yeah, that didn’t work.”

No kidding. The rain that day was ridiculously heavy, almost like a joke.

“Thanks.”

Kasuga said that, sounding relieved.

“If you hadn’t shown up, Aoki, I’d have melted in this downpour and gotten sucked into a drain by now.”

“What happens after you get sucked in?”

“I’d definitely become part of the great ocean.”

After that, looking relieved, Kasuga stepped under my umbrella and said,

“Let’s walk home together.”

So the two of us walked back from school.

“Is it really okay for us to be walking together like this?”

I asked.

“Why not?” Kasuga looked at me, puzzled.

“Well…”

I couldn’t be bothered to explain further, so I just stared at her.

Her wet shirt brushed against me inside the cramped vinyl umbrella, touching and pulling away again. I kept watching it.

At that moment, a strange feeling welled up inside me.

It was sudden.

This is bad, I thought.

I don’t want her to notice.

“Hey, Kasuga.”

“Hmm? What is it?”

“You can use this umbrella.”

“Huh?”

I handed the umbrella to the surprised-looking Kasuga and ran off—getting completely drenched like I was doing waterfall training.

What am I even doing?

I’m such an idiot.

***

After that, I kept finding myself looking for Kasuga in the classroom.

I knew it was bad but my eyes kept drifting toward her. We started making eye contact more often during class. Kasuga would smile a little shyly and I’d hurriedly look away, trying to distract myself by staring out the window.

No matter how I looked at it, something was definitely off with me.

And it all started when I stopped being able to see points.

Eventually, I even started getting headaches. I felt awful.

After school, on the way home, I was walking with Naruse and talking when—

“Lately, Aoki, you’ve been staring at Kasuga-san a lot.”

She said it.

“That’s not true” I tried to brush it off.

“Liar.”

Naruse pouted slightly, looking a bit annoyed. The gesture was still cute. I had no idea how much of that was intentional.

“Because I’ve been watching you, Aoki. I can tell.”

This time, Naruse said it with a serious expression.

“You’ve really been acting strange lately.”

“Wait…something feels off. I feel sick. My head hurts.”

I crouched down on a bench at a bus stop on the way home.

“What’s wrong?” Naruse asked, peering at my face with concern.

“I’m fine. I just need to rest a bit” I said for now. Then, something occurred to me.

“You said I’ve been acting strange… how exactly?”

“Your condition, your behavior… it’s like you’re not yourself. You’re unstable, or something.”

“Yeah… does it really look that way?”

“Hey, try talking to me. You’ve got something on your mind, right? Something you’re worried about, something that’s bothering you. If you talk about it, you might feel better.”

I do. There’s a lot. But none of it is something I can tell Naruse.

“It’s nothing. You don’t have to worry.”

“Is it about Kasuga-san?”

At that moment, Naruse’s beautiful face looked slightly distorted.

“Why are you so fixated on Kasuga?”

“You two were close, weren’t you? Back at the arcade. And…”

Naruse hesitated for a moment, then said it anyway.

“Aoki…do you like Kasuga-san?”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Seriously, cut it out.”

I want to stop this, but I can’t.

“Isn’t that weird? Just because I’m close with a female friend, you jump straight to whether I『like』her or not. That’s different from romantic feelings. Forcing everything into that kind of frame is a bit much.”

“You’re the one being unfair, Aoki. You’re just trying to force me into the『girl who gets jealous over a female friend』frame. But I don’t think that’s it.”

“I mean… I really don’t get what you’re saying.”

“That’s exactly the problem. The worst part is that you don’t even realize yourself that you like Kasuga-san. Isn’t that it?”

“I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about. Me liking Kasuga? No way. Because…”

Because… what?

The words that were supposed to follow wouldn’t come out. It was like a clogged drain, nothing flowing through. And instead, the emotions that couldn’t flow out with the words just kept overflowing uselessly.

“That kind of thing is annoying.”

Naruse looked frightened. I didn’t want to see that.

“Sometimes, I just don’t understand you at all.”

She said that, looking away from me.

“Are you shocked that my ex was Soyama?”

“Not at all, not at all, not at all. Doesn’t bother me one bit.”

“What’s with the『one bit』? That ending sounds weird.”

“It’s not weird.”

“Sometimes, Aoki… you come across like a con artist.”

That made my heart jump.

“Sorry, Naruse.”

If things went any further between me and Naruse… what would happen?

I thought about it. The answer came immediately.

She’d end up hating me.

That felt certain.

So then… what should I do?

“Just… leave me alone for a bit.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Naruse laughed. It looked like a mix of anger, impatience and more than a little disappointment.

“I want to cool my head and think.”

“Do whatever you want.”

Naruse left on her own.

I think that was the first time I’d ever treated Naruse like that. And yet, for some reason, all I felt was that it couldn’t be helped. That was the strange part.

“…So, Aoki-kun, why are you at my place?”

Before I knew it, I was back in Kasuga’s room, which had returned to its usual messy state. I brushed aside the things scattered across the floor and sat down.

“I don’t know.”

“You were the one who said we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”

“You’re the one who keeps messaging me on LINE.”

“Well… true.”

Kasuga was sitting in a chair with her knees pulled up, wearing casual clothes that showed a bit more skin than usual. The moment I noticed it, I felt like I’d end up thinking about it endlessly if I didn’t look away, so I averted my eyes.

“Anyway, why did you come?”

Right… I came because I wanted someone to listen. But I didn’t feel like saying that outright, so I looked for another topic first.

“Kasuga, how have things been with Soyama lately?”

When I asked, Kasuga didn’t answer for a long time. She looked blank, like her brain had shut down. Then after a while, she lowered her gaze to the floor and said, 『Nothing』creating an awkward silence. I couldn’t continue that topic either, so—

“Lately… I’ve started wondering if Naruse really likes me” I said.

“Why?”

“I mean, what if Naruse only likes me because my points are low?”

And…maybe I liked Naruse because her points were high. I couldn’t bring myself to say that part.

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t get it?”

“No, I don’t. …You’re weird.”

Kasuga suddenly looked at me seriously.

“So lately, I’ve been avoiding Naruse.”

“There’s something else going on too, right?”

“No, it’s just…”

Even as I said that, I hesitated.

“Naruse-san is Soyama-kun’s ex, right?”

“You know?”

“I heard.”

Suddenly, Kasuga looked serious, almost angry, as she said—

“Aoki, that’s totally it.”

“It’s not.”

“You’re shocked that Naruse’s ex is Soyama and you don’t want to deal with it. But admitting that would make you look lame, so you’re desperately trying to come up with some other reason to avoid her.”

『…That’s pathetic』she added, letting out a sigh.

“Seriously, these『points』of yours are just some cringey delusion, Aoki. Being fixated on something like that to judge people…that’s messed up.”

“Kasuga, you like Soyama because he’s good-looking, smart and basically perfect, right? If that’s the case, then your feelings aren’t any purer than mine.”

When I said that, Kasuga flinched for a moment. But I didn’t stop there. I kept going, pushing even further with those deliberately harsh words.

“There’s no such thing as a purely platonic love in this world. Honestly, whether I can see points or not doesn’t even matter. Even without seeing them, you get it too, don’t you, Kasuga? People have detailed price tags attached to them and everyone’s always evaluating each other. People aren’t born equal. Deep down, nobody wants to be the one who loses out. That’s all it is.”

“Then if the points were the same, would just anyone be fine for you? Aoki, could you talk like this with someone who had about the same points as me?”

When I stayed silent, Kasuga continued.

“Sure, when someone falls in love, maybe there are impure parts mixed in. I think there are. But can’t you believe that even within all that impurity, there’s at least a little bit of something genuine mixed in too?”

An awkward silence followed.

We just stared at each other.

Kasuga spoke first.

“You’re scared, Aoki. Scared of being rejected.”

Of course I am. Anyone would be.

“Even so, I’ve been trying, in my own way, to connect with people—”

“More.”

I found myself blankly watching Kasuga’s lips move.

“Try more.”

***

I couldn’t tell if that was really the right thing to do. I just couldn’t decide.

I called Naruse out to the park at night. I rushed there on my bike, to the park nearest her house. I was a little drunk.

“What is it…?”

Naruse said, sounding a bit confused as she walked closer to me.

“I wanted you to see this.”

I closed my eyes and held out my notebook to her.

“This…is the one you’re always writing in during class, right?”

“It’s got everything I’ve been thinking about written in there.”

Am I even sane right now? It didn’t feel like I was.

“Read it. Whenever you want.”

“…That’s kind of scary to look at.”

I was so nervous I was trembling.

“But…thank you.”

We sat down together on a bench. It was still slightly damp from the light rain earlier but we didn’t care.

Naruse took my hand.

She could feel the trembling.

“Aoki… you must’ve been really scared.”

She said it gently, like she was trying to calm me. I stayed silent, just staring at the sand in the park.

“Maybe…”

“Yeah?”

“After reading that notebook, you might think I’m disgusting.”

“I won’t.”

“You’ll probably hate me.”

“I won’t. It’ll be fine.”

And just like that, Naruse stayed there in silence with me, sitting on that bench for dozens of minutes, until I finally calmed down.

In the quiet park at night, for the first time, I felt like I had been accepted by someone.

Naruse〉“I read the whole notebook.”

Naruse〉“Sorry.”

Naruse〉“Can I be honest?”

Naruse〉“It’s kind of…”

Naruse〉“creepy.”

Naruse〉“The way you look at people…”

Naruse〉“It feels awful.”

Naruse〉“I…”

Naruse〉“I don’t think I can be with you.”

The next day after school, she said it to me directly in the classroom.

“That’s… something else.”

Naruse said, sounding genuinely fed up.

“Aoki-kun, you’re like a monster.”

Her words made me freeze. Was that really true?

“Out of everyone I’ve met in my life, you might be the most messed-up person. What are you even thinking?”

I couldn’t say anything.

“Sure, everyone kind of thinks like that deep down, at least a little. You know, judging someone’s value somewhere in the back of your mind. Everyone does it. But with you, Aoki-kun… it’s way too extreme.”

Hearing her say that, I started to feel like maybe she was right.

“Maybe… you think that right now, you and I are finally on the same level?”

Naruse said angrily. Then she wrapped her arms around herself, like she was hugging herself.

“I can’t do this. Aoki, something’s wrong with you.”

The emotion drained from her face, going flat like an ice rink.

“This.”

She pulled something out from inside her desk.

It was the notebook I had given her last night.

“What is this supposed to be?”

She opened it and pointed to a page.

Something I had never expected to happen was right there.

“『Ways to lower Naruse’s points』… what is this?”

“Th-that’s…I mean…it was just a moment of bad judgment or something…”

Back then, when I had those stupid thoughts, I did write something like that in the notebook. I regret even writing it now. But I was sure I had carefully erased all of it.

And yet, it had resurfaced.

The page, layered over and over with dark pencil strokes, had been filled in completely black, making the faint impressions of my writing stand out clearly enough to read.

“But I erased it…”

“If there are unnatural eraser marks, anyone would get curious, right?”

“Uh…”

Should I just get down on my knees and apologize right now? If there was ever a moment in life where that was appropriate, this had to be it. But as I hesitated—

“Sorry. You’re kind of creepy, Aoki.”

I thought, I’ve hurt Naruse again.

Why does everything go so wrong?

“I’m sorry, Aoki.”

“I can’t accept this” Naruse said.

I messed up again.

That’s what it felt like.

How many times has this been now?

“I’m going home.”

The moment Naruse stood up—

“Huh? Why is Cocoa crying?”

A voice cut in from the back of the classroom.

I looked and there was Soyama.

“Why are you here? This is the worst.”

『Huh? Oh, Aoki? You made Cocoa cry? That calls for a punch. Evil must be destroyed』Soyama said as he kicked me.

I just took it without resisting.

“Also, don’t call me『Cocoa』in front of other people.”

In front of other people… That hit in a complicated way.

“Wait, what’s that notebook?”

“That’s none of your business, Soyama.”

Naruse hurriedly tried to hide it. “Lemme see it,” Soyama said, reaching toward her.

“Can I say one thing?”

When I spoke, their back-and-forth froze for a moment, and both of them looked at me, surprised.

“What, Aoki? Shut up. Punch.”

“Punches are done with your hands. If you use your foot, it’s called a kick. What you just did—that was a kick.”

I felt a weird sense of accomplishment for saying that, but I was the only one. The two of them just stared at me, dumbfounded.

“Well, I’m heading out.”

Just like that, everything suddenly felt pointless, and I left the classroom.

I didn’t want to watch the two of them talking any longer.

For a brief moment, I hoped Naruse would call out, 『Wait』or something like that—but no one said anything. I trudged home alone.

I thought about it a lot, but in the end, I decided.

I took the bundle of pills I’d been carrying around in a pouch and flushed them all down the toilet. I decided to stop taking them.

A few days passed and the day came when I was supposed to go to the hospital. For the first time, I skipped it.

One day, when I got home from school, my doctor was there.

He was relaxing in the living room, wiping sweat with a towel.

It made me feel sick.

Come to think of it, my dad had left on a business trip yesterday.

“Why didn’t you come?”

Without looking me in the eye, the doctor asked while watching TV.

“If I can’t see the points, it feels like my life’s going to fall apart.”

“Just so you know, those『points』are hallucinations. My job is to treat you so you stop seeing them.”

When I didn’t respond, he continued.

“Naoto-kun, you’re probably trying way too hard to install society’s sense of values into yourself. You don’t need to go that far.”

Don’t act so high and mighty.

“I don’t want to be cured.”

“What are you talking about?”

The doctor looked confused.

“I mean… I want to stay messed up like this.”

I said it clearly.

“I don’t want to be honest with my own feelings.”

The doctor let out a troubled laugh. It was the kind of unpleasant laugh you’d give a child throwing a tantrum.