Vol. 1 Chapter 4

1

『Think about it properly』is such a common phrase, but when I actually try to think about what it means to 『think properly』I end up not understanding it at all. What does it even mean to think『properly』? Should I sit alone in a pitch-dark room with the lights off, close my eyes, and meditate like I’m doing zazen or something? I tried it just to see, but as expected, I still had no clue. zazen¹

If it was a lie that Naruse liked shojo manga, then why would she need to tell a lie like that? I have no idea.

***

My parents called me for dinner, so I left my room and went downstairs. As I did, I heard a strangely familiar male voice coming from the living room. When I glanced at the entrance, there was a worn-out pair of dirty sandals, and I thought, yeah… so he really is here. Why is he here?

When I opened the living room door, sure enough, Kou-chan was there.

For some reason, Kou-chan was drinking alcohol in the living room.

It had been a while since I’d seen him, and he looked noticeably older.

When he saw my face, Kou-chan, with his flushed cheeks, said in a relaxed tone,

“Naoto, long time no see!”

Miyauchi Kou. Nicknamed Kou-chan. Even at his age, he’s still a freeter, so broke he can’t even afford to fix his missing teeth. Sloppy, shabby, a complete loser in life. He’s my sister’s childhood friend and when I was little, he used to play with me a lot. His catchphrase is 『It’ll work out somehow.』Without really wanting to do anything in particular, just drifting along, Kou-chan is already twenty-six. And nothing has worked out at all.

And Kou-chan is also my sister’s ex-boyfriend.『If I’m going to get married, I want a bouquet of roses when I’m proposed to.』I remember my sister used to say dumb things like that to him all the time. That day never came in the end, though.

Looking at him now, his points were 36. I didn’t want to know that. I really didn’t.

Kou-chan had been scolded by his parents for drifting through life, and a few years ago, he was finally kicked out of his house. Even then, instead of going somewhere far away, he rented a run-down, Showa-era-style apartment nearby and lives there. Thinking about it, that was probably around the time my sister dumped him. Pathetic.

“Yeah, I heard from Naoto that Mizuki’s getting married, so I thought I’d bring some drinks and celebrate.”

Looking over, there was a ridiculously large sake bottle sitting on the dining table.

『Well, it’s not like I’ve fully decided anything yet』my sister said.

Even as she said that, my sister was somehow already slightly tipsy, while my dad and mom were preparing dinner in silence with completely neutral expressions, neither particularly happy nor annoyed. I couldn’t really grasp the atmosphere in this house.

“Kou-chan, do you really mean that? That you’re happy for me?”

“Why wouldn’t I? It’s a happy occasion. Mizuki, congrats. You better be happy.”

I couldn’t believe he could say something so annoying so easily. If he was saying it sober, maybe I could respect it in a way, but if he was saying it drunk, then it was just pathetic.

“Aren’t you frustrated, Kou-chan?”

“Not at all. I’m actually happy. Naoto, you’ve got a twisted personality.”

“Shut up.”

At this point, I was losing my appetite altogether. I didn’t even want to breathe the same air as Kou-chan anymore.

“Oh, right, Naoto. I brought you some clothes. Thought I’d give them to you.”

“I don’t need them.”

“They were pretty expensive when I bought them. I was going to throw them away, but you used to want them back then.”

Saying that, Kou-chan pulled out a sweater from a Uniqlo plastic bag. It was a bright green sweater with a skull and the words『GO MY WAY』embroidered on the back. I recognized it. He used to wear that a lot a long time ago. It brought back a weird sense of nostalgia.

“Dude, how many years ago was that?”

“Well, I mean…”

“Well, what?”

“It’s… Gucci.”

“That’s definitely a fake.”

I had just pointed out a realistic fact, but Kou-chan looked a little hurt.

That somehow irritated me, so I piled on.『That’s lame.』

“Kou-chan, that’s the lamest thing on this planet.”

With that, I turned my back and left the living room, stepping onto the stairs.

“Hey, wait a second.”

My sister’s voice called out, and I turned back.

“Naoto, you used to get along with Kou-chan, right? What happened?”

It’s true, I do remember Kou-chan playing with me a lot when I was little. But that was a long time ago, back when I was a kid.

“Kou-chan acts cool in front of me, but in reality, he’s just pathetic.”

When I said that,

“Oh, you noticed?”

My sister widened her eyes, looking surprised. Seeing that, I thought, what do you mean『noticed now』?

“I’ve known for a long time.”

That’s probably why you broke up with him, I thought.

I didn’t feel like talking to Kou-chan anymore.

After retreating to my room, I wondered why things or people you used to like somehow end up becoming things you dislike before you even realize it.

But unlike things, people change and Kou-chan kept changing in a way that lowered his points that much. Or maybe, while everyone else kept changing, Kou-chan was the only one who didn’t, and that’s why he ended up like that.

2

The closing ceremony ended and summer vacation began.

A few languid days of summer break passed.

With nothing better to do, I found myself thinking about my relationship with Kasuga.

When I really thought about it, the connection between us was actually pretty vague. Once next year came around and we got put into different classes, I figured we’d probably just stop talking little by little.

That’s just how relationships are.

Come to think of it, an older cousin of mine bought cheap furniture when he started university. Since the campus location would change after two years, he planned to throw it away and buy new stuff when he moved, so he went with the cheap option.

Relationships these days are kind of like that, I thought. Disposable furniture.

Adults from older generations always say things like, 『Make lifelong friends during your student years』like they know what they’re talking about. But I couldn’t imagine myself ever having a『lifelong friend』like that.

I didn’t even want one.

If anything, like a lifelong coat or furniture or a fountain pen, the idea of a lifelong best friend just felt heavy and suffocating. I didn’t want that. Friends like Uniqlo or IKEA were good enough.

I hurt the person I liked, Naruse, and sooner or later, Kasuga would probably get fed up with me too.

I knew that inside, I was empty. That there was nothing there.

That’s why I didn’t want to get close to people.

If I got too close, they’d notice how empty I was, and they’d disappear from in front of me. That’s why I didn’t want to get involved with anyone.

Every now and then, Kasuga would send me photos on LINE. Pictures of her enjoying her summer break, full of energy. When I saw them, I thought,『That’s nice.』 It seemed like Kasuga had made friends. Good for her. We were different. Somehow, she looked a little dazzling to me.

So, with nothing else to do, I spent my time playing online games on my phone. From morning till night, just games. Survival, brutal battles, sniping unknown players with a rifle. It was only when I was interacting with people whose faces, addresses, ages, genders, and real names I didn’t know that I felt at ease. Time passed before I even realized it, which was great.

Anyway, that’s how boring my summer vacation was.

And when you’re that bored, you don’t think about anything good.

I thought about messaging Naruse on LINE.

But even if I wanted to, I didn’t know what to say. Nothing I wanted or needed to tell her came to mind.

I wanted to make up with her.

That was how I really felt, but I couldn’t just send that straight out.

Me〉“What have you been up to lately?”

After thinking about it for about two hours, I sent that.

It didn’t get read.

Even though I should’ve stopped, I sent another message.

Me〉“If you want, do you want to do fireworks together?”

After all that thinking, that’s what I came up with? Realizing how dumb that was made me feel hopeless.

After sending it, I couldn’t focus on anything else. I regretted it immediately. I shouldn’t have sent it, I thought. My stomach hurt. That prickling sense of anxiety, like my spine was slowly burning, took over my mind. Even while eating lunch, I couldn’t relax. I kept checking LINE over and over. What if I’d been blocked? I lay down on the floor and searched,『how to check if you’re blocked on LINE.』While I was reading, a short reply finally came.

Naruse〉“Sorry.”

Naruse〉“I’m busy right now. I’ll reply later.”

It came. Thank god. I felt relieved. Just knowing I hadn’t been blocked by Naruse made me feel at ease.

But then I started wondering…is she really busy? Please, let her be busy. If she wasn’t and was just saying that, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to recover from it.

Around now, Naruse should be at tennis club practice. There was no need to know the truth, but I went out anyway, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I didn’t feel like going alone, so I pedaled my bike hard and stopped by Kasuga’s house. I rang the intercom and explained why I was there, and Kasuga, with her messy hair and unfashionable look, came out right away.

“…What?”

“You’re free, right? Want to secretly go check out what Soyama’s up to from a distance or something?”

“Aoki-kun, you’re definitely plotting something stupid, aren’t you?”

Kasuga was strangely perceptive, but she said,『Wait inside for a bit』and I waited in the living room. About thirty minutes later, a cleaned-up version of Kasuga appeared.『You’re late.』 ,『I got ready as fast as I could.』,『Whatever, let’s go.』And just like that, we headed to the school together.

We set up at a window in the school building, far from the tennis courts and I handed Kasuga the opera glasses I had brought.

“What is this? Yeah, this is definitely weird,”

Kasuga said as she peeked through them. I looked too. I could see clearly. The tennis club was on break, and right there, Naruse and Soyama were chatting and laughing together.

“Ugh… I didn’t want to see that”

Kasuga said but I wanted to see it even less.

She’s not busy at all…

The shock hit my stomach like a heavy blow and I crouched down, leaning against the white wall beneath the window.

“Are you okay…? Aoki-kun, you’re not broken, right?”

“Kasuga-kun, let’s do fireworks.”

“Huh?”

“I really, really want to do fireworks right now.”

***

We waited until night and bought fireworks at Donki.

Then, on a whim, we snuck onto the school rooftop. It was summer break, late at night, and it looked like no one was around in the school. Maybe just a security guard somewhere.

“Let’s just not do this. We don’t have to go out of our way to do it here”

Kasuga said nervously, but I ignored her. Doing fireworks at school felt kind of like youth, and sure, you could do fireworks anywhere, but if you start saying that, then there’s no reason to do something as dumb as fireworks at all. This was about the mood. Just the mood.

I lit all seven fireworks I was holding at once. Sparks burst out like a shower and I swung them around.

“Hey, that’s dangerous”

Kasuga said, while lighting a sparkler.

“Starting with a sparkler right away?”

I couldn’t help but comment. “Kasuga, that’s like going to a Chinese restaurant and ordering『almond jelly for everyone』right from the start.”

“Huh? Is it really?” Kasuga said, genuinely surprised.

“Come to think of it, I’ve never done fireworks with someone before, so I don’t really know how this works.”

“You’re supposed to go a bit more flashy than that.”

To be honest, I didn’t really have any memories of doing fireworks with friends or a girlfriend either, so I wasn’t even sure if that was the right way to do it. But in dramas and manga, it felt like that’s how it usually went.

Before long, Kasuga lit all the sparklers in the pack we bought and said,『I’m copying you』as she looked over at me.

“Sparkler festival.”

The sparklers crackled noisily in her hands. In that light, Kasuga’s expression looked strangely fleeting, smiling softly and I found myself thinking something weird, like it’d be better if I were Soyama instead of me.

I turned my back on her as if to look away, snapping back to myself. What am I even doing? As I stared up at the dark night sky, I thought that if Naruse were here instead, I’d probably be desperately trying to keep up appearances right about now. Then, as if breaking through my thoughts, a loud explosion sounded behind me.

When I looked, it was a firework launcher. A rapid-fire, kind of dumb-looking set of fireworks was bursting one after another in the sky. Kasuga, who must’ve lit it, looked oddly proud, flashing a small peace sign.

“Are you insane?”

I muttered in disbelief, and the very next moment, a shout rang out.『What the hell are you kids doing!?』 From the ground below, a security guard was glaring up at us. Well, of course he was.

“Hey, run!”

“Okay.”

For some reason, Kasuga sounded happy as she answered and we grabbed the bucket filled with water and the remains of the fireworks and bolted off the rooftop.

We got on a single bicycle together that we’d left behind the school building and sped off. The guard didn’t seem to be chasing us, probably having lost sight of us.

We passed through the school gate and slowed down on a gentle downhill slope.

The lukewarm night breeze felt nice.

After a while, from behind me, Kasuga started laughing.

“This is so stupid.”

I thought so too, and let out a small laugh.

“When I’m with you, Aoki, I don’t get bored. It’s fun.”

Maybe she was right. I thought so too.

And just like that, summer vacation ended without meaning, and the second term began.

3

After summer break ended, something felt off about Naruse.

It wasn’t anything obvious. At a glance, it was hard to notice the change. But to me, it was clear she wasn’t doing well.

70.

Naruse’s points had dropped by four.

I wondered why. It made me worried.

From my seat, some distance away in the classroom, I stared at her.

I was concerned, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask, 『What’s wrong?』So instead, I just kept watching her.

I focused on her points.

Skin trouble from lack of sleep (-1), quit her part-time job (-1), gained weight (-1), forgot lip balm and her lips were chapped (-1).

I wonder what happened.

I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t.

After hesitating, I ended up waiting until lunch break before talking to Naruse.

“Lip balm. Your lips are chapped.”

It was brand new, something I had just bought at the convenience store during lunch.

“Aoki, you really notice small things. You’re surprisingly kind.”

I thought, I’m just acting like a good guy in front of you, but I replied,『Really?』

“Did you know?”

Naruse said, sounding a little annoyed.

“This is the first time you’ve ever come up and talked to me on your own in the classroom.”

That made me feel a bit awkward.

“You didn’t seem like you were doing well.”

“I see.”

Naruse quickly put on the lip balm, and I said,『You can keep it』before stepping away from her.

“Thanks.”

There were a lot of other things I wanted to say and ask, but for now, that was enough for me.

***

“I heard Soyama recently broke up with his girlfriend.”

That rumor started going around not long after.

Hearing it, my first thought was, wait, Soyama had a girlfriend?

“What do you mean? You said Soyama-kun didn’t have one.”

Since I had told Kasuga that before, she was just as confused by the rumor.

“But I wonder who Soyama’s girlfriend was.”

Curious, I decided to look into it. But no one else in class seemed to know the details either. There were even rumors that Soyama had told people to keep quiet. Apparently, he’s the secretive type.

So I decided to ask Soyama directly. During lunch break, I went looking for him, but I couldn’t find him anywhere.

After about thirty minutes of searching, I finally spotted him behind the school building.

At that moment, Soyama was arguing with some guy I didn’t know. It definitely wasn’t the kind of situation where I could just walk up and talk to him.

So I watched from a distance.

The guy Soyama was talking to looked like an unremarkable, plain-looking student (44).

After a while, I saw the 44 pull out his wallet and hand some cash to Soyama.

What was that about?

Soyama gave him a light kick, then turned around and walked straight toward me.

“Aoki, did you see that just now?”

He spoke to me. When I didn’t respond,『Keep that to yourself, okay?』

He whispered that near my ear, lightly placed a hand on my shoulder, and then walked off.

Soyama knows what he’s doing.

If something like that got out and people found out he was a bully, his points would quietly drop.

And then, suddenly, a thought crossed my mind.

What if I spread this around the class?

Then Soyama’s points would go down.

And maybe… just maybe, his points would get closer to Kasuga’s.

I immediately rejected that dark thought.

Still, should I at least tell Kasuga about this?

That part, I hesitated over a little longer.

But in the end, I decided not to tell anyone.

Even if he seemed like a bad person to me, if he looked like a good person to Kasuga, then maybe that was enough. It’s common for someone to be a villain to one person and a good person to someone else. There was no need for me to say anything about it to Kasuga.

Then, my thoughts suddenly turned to myself.

As things stood, there was no way my points would ever match Naruse’s.

With a hazy mind during class, I wrote in my notebook: 『Ways to lower Naruse’s points.』

I started writing out the awful thoughts in my head.

Hide her textbook so she’d get scolded by the teacher?

If she messed up during the relay at the upcoming sports festival in the second term, her points might drop a little. Even if people said,『Don’t worry about it』 they wouldn’t really mean it. Maybe tamper with her shoelaces?

I wrote down ideas to bring Naruse down in my usual notebook.

It wasn’t like I seriously intended to do any of it.

After I finished writing, I erased everything with my eraser. I rubbed hard until the page was completely white again.

***

“I think I might confess to Soyama-kun.”

One day after school, while the two of us were hanging out in my room as usual, Kasuga said that.

“Why?”

The evening sunlight streamed into my room, dazzling. Squinting, I looked at Kasuga’s face.

“Well, if he broke up with his girlfriend, this might be my chance.”

I hesitated for a moment.

Kasuga’s points had somehow risen to 59. That was pretty high.

Probably among the top in the class. In fact, when it was just the guys, people would sometimes say things like,『Kasuga’s actually pretty good, right?』Hearing that always gave me a strange feeling.

Honestly, I thought Kasuga was impressive.

But even so, I didn’t really feel like her confession to Soyama would succeed.

It would be better to wait until her points went up even more before confessing. That thought naturally came to mind.

But I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

For one thing, no matter how much effort Kasuga put in from here on, I didn’t think their points would ever balance out. That would only happen if Soyama’s points somehow dropped, which was unrealistic.

And there was another reason.

There was a part of me that didn’t want Kasuga to go out with Soyama.

That realization surprised even me.

I didn’t know why I started thinking that way.

I couldn’t logically explain the flow of my thoughts.

All I knew was that this vague, unsettled feeling inside me was telling me, I don’t like it.

“I think it’s a good idea. Go for it.”

When I said that so casually, Kasuga looked at me, surprised, almost thrown off.

“Really?”

“Why not? Your points have gone up a lot already. It might actually work out. I’m rooting for you.”

I said all that in one breath, even though I didn’t mean any of it. And after saying it, I realized… maybe I’m kind of a terrible person.

4

The next day after school.

Kasuga really was going to confess to Soyama.

She was wearing a dress that showed how much effort she’d put in and just seeing her like that almost made me laugh.

Kasuga had changed. I hadn’t changed at all and that only made her transformation stand out even more when I was with her.

I’m pathetic. Kasuga is the healthy one.

Watching her back as she left the classroom to go see Soyama, I thought that.

Because it’s true, isn’t it?

Anyone could see it. I’m small-time, timid… basically just a side character in someone else’s story.

Thinking that I’d probably keep living like that from now on was depressing.

With those thoughts in my head, I leaned back in a hard wooden chair in the empty classroom after school, waiting for Kasuga to come back.

Above the blackboard, the white clock’s second hand ticked away. I shifted my weight back, balancing on just the two back legs of the chair, swaying unsteadily. The classroom floor creaked with a lonely sound. Somewhere far down the hallway, I could hear students laughing. A sigh slipped out naturally. Even though it was summer, I felt cold with loneliness.

The sliding door to the classroom opened.

“It didn’t work.”

Kasuga had come back.

I didn’t know what to say to her.

She was crying a little.

She threw herself toward me, as if leaning her whole body on me.

For a moment, my heart skipped a beat.

She was so defenseless… was she really okay like this?

I’m a guy too. We’re supposed to be the opposite sex.

I just stayed like that, waiting until Kasuga stopped crying.

“You know…”

Even so, I felt a little envious of how she could just throw herself into things like that, without worrying about her limits.

“I kinda wish I could be more like you, Kasuga.”

“Then be like me.”

At some point, she had stopped crying. She suddenly lifted her face and looked straight at me.

“Huh?”

“Did you forget our promise? We said we’d confess together. You said that, Aoki.”

“Well… I did say that, but…”

“Then after me, it’s your turn to confess.”

Kasuga grabbed my arm with surprising strength. Without giving me a chance to refuse, I just went along with it.

“Let’s go.”

She pulled me along. We went down the stairs, passed through the underground cafeteria, and eventually reached the benches in front of the co-op building.

That was a place where the girls from the tennis club often hung out.

So Naruse was there. Alone.

“Naruse-san.”

Kasuga called out to her. Naruse looked over, surprised.

“Aoki-kun has something he wants to talk to you about.”

Just like me, Naruse looked unsure of what was going on.

“He says there’s something he really wants to tell you.”

“…What?”

Naruse’s voice sounded irritated, and I flinched. Then she slowly shifted her gaze, focusing only on me. Like she was about to say “What?” again.

I didn’t mean to say “It’s nothing,” but the words just wouldn’t come out.

“Hey. If you’re just messing around—”

“Wait.”

Even though it wasn’t her business, Kasuga cut in urgently, pressing Naruse.

“If you don’t listen properly, Aoki-kun’s going to stay like some kind of zombie forever. Like living dead.”

Apparently, that’s how I’d been coming across to her lately.

“So, what is it? If you’ve got something to say, just say it.”

Seeing Naruse urging me like that, I finally made up my mind.

“You know…I used to like you, Naruse. That’s why I started acting weird. You probably kind of noticed already. I know I’m not on your level, that it wouldn’t work between us. I’m not asking you to go out with me or anything. It’s more like admiration. So… I was just thinking, it’d be nice if we could talk normally again sometimes. That’s all.”

“That’s not it.”

Naruse’s voice was trembling.

What’s going on?

I just stared blankly at her, not even fully realizing that all of this was happening to me.

“You’re the one who decided all that in your own head. Who matches with who, who doesn’t, what’s pathetic and what’s not. But I’m real, aren’t I? I’m not some ideal girl in your imagination. I’m alive, I have thoughts, I get hurt, I’m still here right now. Don’t you get that?”

I didn’t. I didn’t understand what Naruse was trying to say.

“Naruse… I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing without even knowing what you’re apologizing for. Don’t pretend you understand when you don’t.”

Her words dug in, like nails scraping across my cheek, leaving a sharp, lasting pain.

“Naruse… there’s something I never understood and never got the chance to ask.”

“What?”

“Why did you lie about liking shojo manga?”

“You still don’t get it?”

Naruse’s face twisted.

“This is messed up.”

“What is?”

“I think… I picked the wrong person to like.”

With that, Naruse left.

Naruse… what?

Me… what does that even mean?

It made no sense.

“Did she just say she liked you?”

Kasuga said it like she was confirming it.

For now, I needed to calm down, so I went to the vending machine in front of the co-op and bought some banana milk. I got two and handed one to Kasuga.

Then we leaned against the outer wall of the school building and drank in silence.

“This is disgustingly sweet”

Kasuga said, making a face and sticking out her tongue.