Vol. 1 Chapter 9

While I was recuperating, basically staying quietly at home, my energy gradually started to return in a strange way and I began going to the hospital again. Before long, I got bored of shutting myself in and started going out. Even if I wasn’t going to school, I began wandering outside the house.

I could no longer see points and the glitching numbers had disappeared too.

I had completely returned to normal.

Is it really okay to be this normal?

Just because I was back to normal didn’t mean the problem was solved. If anything, nothing had been addressed. It was still full of problems. I couldn’t bring myself to just run away like that. I mean, if I were alone, maybe that’d be fine.

But I didn’t like that.

So I decided to go to school.

When my family saw me getting ready to leave without saying anything, they were surprised.

“You don’t have to push yourself.”

My mother came to speak to me while I was washing my face in the bathroom. I looked up. She had a worried expression.

“Thanks.”

When I replied, she looked a bit surprised.

“What?”

“No, it’s just…you’re being unusually straightforward.”

“Am I?”

“Aren’t you usually more rebellious?”

『That’s because you’re the problem』I swallowed those words.

After getting myself properly ready, I headed to school.

“Hey.”

Just as I was about to enter the classroom, someone called out to me.

When I turned around, it was Naruse.

“Morning.”

Even when I smiled and said that, Naruse didn’t respond. After a moment, she said,『That attitude is creepy.』

“Aoki, I think you shouldn’t come to school. Seriously. At least not yet.”

When Naruse said that, I faltered for a moment.

“That bad?”

“Everyone’s really angry.”

Yeah… I figured as much. Maybe if I had only written the points, it wouldn’t have been this bad. But writing the breakdown and even comments was probably a mistake. Things like【ugly】,【gross-looking】,【ugly personality】,【stupid】,【can’t read the room】【bad breath】,【no friends】. Writing insults about almost the entire class in a notebook… yeah, it’s only natural people would hate that.

“Soyama’s been seriously stirring things up. Saying,『Let’s crush Aoki, he’s been annoying for a while now.』 So…”

“It’s fine. I don’t care.”

“I do.”

Naruse said that with a guilty expression.

“It’s painful to watch.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Sorry, can I be honest?”

I nodded.

“I didn’t want you to come to school, because I don’t want to see myself not being able to be on your side.”

『That’s only natural』I told Naruse, and then I entered the classroom.

Everyone turned to look at me all at once.

“Uh… sorry. For everything.”

They looked away and ignored me. Of course they did. I had expected this, so it didn’t surprise me.

On my desk, there was a flower vase, with flowers carefully arranged in it.

I cleared it away and sat down.

Until lunchtime, I attended classes like normal.

How could things go back to the way they were?

But even if I thought about it, I figured that no matter what I did, there was no way I’d suddenly be accepted by the class again in some dramatic, instant way. Even if I stood up and said something to everyone, nothing would change because of that.

If anything, it would probably just make them resent me more.

In the end, the only thing I could do was deal with people one by one, carefully.

I didn’t know if that would fix anything.

Most likely, there would still be more people who hated me.

But even so, that felt more realistic.

I’ll try to be a good person. Not by pretending, but genuinely.

However, after lunch, during the fifth period homeroom, the teacher called me up to the front.

“Uh… as you all know, Aoki came to school today. While he was absent, you all talked things over, right? I don’t know the details, but it seems like there was some kind of emotional misunderstanding. I think Aoki was also in the wrong. But everyone makes mistakes. When I was younger, it was nothing compared to this. There were much worse things. Still, I want everyone to understand each other and return to how the class was before. So, Aoki, don’t you have something you want to say to everyone?”

『Oh man… seriously? Give me a break, I thought to myself』. Looking around, my classmates were staring at me with blank expressions. It was scary. But I couldn’t exactly say I had nothing to say.

But if I just glossed over it with shallow words, it’d be the same as before. Even if no one listened seriously, at least I should speak honestly.

“Um… I…”

No one’s expression changed at all. Like a flatline on a heart monitor, not a flicker or movement.

“My notebook was awful, wasn’t it. I think it was awful too. But back then, that was my way of seeing the world. I don’t think I saw other people as individuals. That’s why I could casually write those kinds of comments about people. I’m sorry. But now… I think everyone has their own lives. They struggle, get hurt, want to stay the same or try to change. I think everyone has that kind of inner self. It’s something obvious but I guess I didn’t understand that. I’m not expecting to be accepted right away. I know that’s impossible. But right now, I truly believe that looking at people the way I did back then was cruel. So, to anyone who was hurt by that… I’m sorry.”

When I said that, the classroom fell completely silent. Not even a blink.

“What did you all think of Aoki’s words?”

No one said anything.

“Alright then, I’ll call on you. Mizumura, what do you think?”

“When I saw that notebook, I was hurt too. But it seems Aoki-kun is reflecting on it in his own way. Like you said, sensei, no one goes through life without making mistakes. So I hope Aoki-kun will properly reflect on this, and that we can get along from now on.”

“Yeah. Anyone else? Yoshii.”

“Yes. I was moved by Aoki-kun’s words. I think it’s very difficult to honestly admit your own mistakes. I’d like to accept Aoki-kun’s apology.”

“Next, Enaka.”

“I think it’s good that Aoki-kun acknowledged his mistake and sincerely apologized in his own way. Of course, what he did isn’t something that can be forgiven easily, but I hope he won’t repeat the same mistake again.”

“Next, Ukiki.”

“Um…I have the same opinion as the previous person. I felt the same way.”

“Next, Gondo.”

“I mostly feel the same as Enaka-san.”

“Next, Naruse.”

“As for me…”

Naruse clearly looked troubled.

“I wanted to know… why Aoki-kun ended up like that.”

And with that, Naruse said nothing more.

“Alright, it seems like we’ve heard enough opinions, so that’s good. Everyone, can you get along with Aoki again from now on?”

When the homeroom teacher said that, almost everyone answered『Yes』at once.

“Then I’ll let Aoki’s parents know that he seems able to get along with everyone in the class again. Lastly, let’s all give a round of applause to Aoki for having the courage to apologize.”

Scattered applause echoed through the classroom, and I thought, this is painful.

As always, no one made eye contact with me. But I could feel it on my skin, that the hostility and malice that had momentarily settled down had suddenly risen all at once.

It can’t be helped. If I came to school, things like this were bound to happen. I just had to endure it one step at a time.

The only one in the class looking at me with a gloomy expression was Kasuga.

When break time came and I stepped out into the hallway to go to the co-op, Kasuga followed me.

“What was that just now? I can’t keep up with it.”

“Well, that’s society. Stuff like that happens. If I got shaken by every little thing, I wouldn’t even be able to come to school right now. Besides… I was able to say what I honestly felt, so I think that part was good.”

Kasuga still looked unconvinced.

“By the way, Aoki, where are you going?”

“To the co-op, to buy a pencil. I should just barely make it back before sixth period.”

“Huh? You use pencils?”

“No, I just don’t have a mechanical pencil.”

“That means—”

“I probably lost it. I’ll probably keep losing stuff from now on, so I’m gonna use cheap pencils for a while.”

When I returned to the classroom, my bag had been thrown into the trash can. Carefully, all the contents had been taken out one by one and shoved in, mixed together with food waste and garbage.

Yeah… figures, I thought, letting out a sigh as I dug through the trash.

After that, I spent my school days enduring various humiliations.

I noticed that Kasuga would sometimes secretly erase the graffiti written on my desk or pick up things that had been thrown away and quietly put them back where they belonged. I couldn’t say anything to her about it.

Meanwhile, whenever our eyes met, Naruse always had an awkward expression. Each time, I felt a complicated sense of guilt.

While I was restarting my school life like that, my older sister, on the other hand, had apparently finally decided to get married. It seemed she would soon go formally greet her fiancé’s parents.

“Hey, sis, lend me a hundred thousand.”

One night, while we were watching TV together, I said that.

“Huh? I’ll kill you.”

She snapped lightly.

“Sorry. Just kidding.”

“What was that about? If you give it to someone, does something happen?”

“Nothing happens.”

“Annoying. Seriously.”

On the TV, a comedian was calling ordinary people 『amateurs』and making fun of them for laughs.

Kasuga〉Where are you?

When I glanced at it, I saw that Kasuga had sent me a LINE message a while ago, and it made me a little worried.

Kasuga〉Aoki, are you free?

Me〉Watching TV

Even after it showed as read, there was no reply. Just as I was about to send another message to complain—

Kasuga〉Got it

That was the reply I got.

“Hey, sis, I’m going out to hang with a friend for a bit.”

When I said that, my sister’s eyes widened, and she looked at me like she was seeing some creepy monster.

“You look like you’re about to go die or something.”

“I’m just a little sleepy, that’s all.”

I stepped outside and asked Kasuga for her location on LINE.

Kasuga〉I’m on the second floor of McDonald’s

I immediately spotted Kasuga’s back by the window on the second floor. She was wearing familiar clothes, the ones we had gone to buy together.

As I got closer, before I could even call out to her, she said,『You’re late.』Only then did I realize my reflection had been visible in the window glass because it was night.

“I didn’t really want to go home. Aoki, can you stay with me until morning?”

What is that, did you miss the last train or something? I was about to joke, but when Kasuga turned around, her face was in such bad shape that I let out a small yelp.

“Uwah—”

“Huh? Is it really that bad?”

Kasuga’s face had been scribbled on with a black marker. Probably permanent. There were markings around her eyes, and a mustache drawn around her mouth. She looked like one of those historical figures in a textbook.

“Who did that to you?”

“Soyama-kun.”

Anger surged up inside me.

“I think I was kind of at fault. I messed up a bit. Maybe I irritated Soyama-kun. He said it was a punishment game.”

“Is that really your fault, Kasuga?”

“…I don’t know.”

I looked more closely. When I brushed her bangs aside, I saw the words『I am stupid』written on her forehead.

“Alright. Let’s kill him.”

I was about to storm into Soyama’s house and beat him up. Kasuga grabbed my arm.

“That’s enough. Don’t do that.”

“But—”

“What would that even solve?”

Kasuga said it like she was at a loss, and I realized she was right.

“More importantly… if my mom saw this face, she’d worry, right? …So I can’t go home.”

『What should we do…』Kasuga said, and I found myself just as lost.

We tried going to a manga café, but—

“Um, excuse me, can we see something to verify your age…”

The two of us looked at each other.

“Oh, I have something”

Kasuga said as she took out her high school student ID from her bag, only to be told,『Sorry, we can’t allow minors…』

Idiot.

***

“What a harsh world! Where are minors even supposed to go then?!”

Kasuga, clearly annoyed, muttered complaints to herself about youth protection laws for a while. With nowhere to go, we ended up walking along the riverbank near the downtown area.

It was completely dark, the neon lights far away, so we couldn’t see each other’s faces.

“Sorry, Aoki.”

“Don’t apologize.”

I mean, that face…that’s not my fault.

We kept walking. There was no sign of anyone else, just quiet and darkness.

“I didn’t do anything wrong, right?”

Kasuga’s voice came from behind me, slightly hoarse.

I didn’t know what to say.

When both of us fell silent, the only sound left was Kasuga quietly sniffing, echoing faintly along the riverbank. It felt like a really depressing background track.

Eventually, irritation started to build up and I turned around.

“Hey.”

Kasuga stopped, looking blank, and simply said,

“What?”

“Kasuga, you’re plenty cute.”

Why do I have to say things I don’t even want to say just to get it across?

“There you go again, saying things you don’t mean—”

“I do mean it.”

“But—”

I stared straight at her.

“You’ve gotten cuter. Have some confidence.”

Kasuga’s sharp, protesting expression gradually softened.

“Really?”

Looking at the mustache drawn on her face with marker, I still thought to myself she looked ridiculous.

“Hey, Kasuga.”

I had made up my mind. It was decided and all that was left was to carry it out.

“I’m quitting school.”

“If you quit… what are you going to do?”

Kasuga’s eyes wavered with concern.

“For now, I’ve just decided to quit. So you don’t have to worry anymore.”

“Of course I’m going to worry.”

“It’s fine. I’ve already decided.”

I wanted to reset everything.

Either way, I felt like there was no way I could keep going to school like that.

Once I decided to quit, my mind suddenly felt lighter.

At the same time, I felt like there was still something left I needed to do.

“So, Kasuga, you don’t have to worry about anything.”

In the end, we stayed together until late at night, until our families had gone to sleep, and then parted in front of Kasuga’s house.

When I dragged my exhausted body back home, there was one hundred thousand yen placed on my desk.

I thought about saying something, but when I stood in front of my sister’s room, it felt like she was already asleep, so in the end, I couldn’t say anything.

Since it was hard to talk to Naruse in the classroom, we had been continuing our conversations only through LINE.

When I woke up in the morning, there was a message from Naruse.

Still half-asleep, I saw the light of my phone screen before the morning sunlight.

Naruse〉I’m thinking about things. I can’t sleep

It was sent at 2 a.m., and at that time, I had been fast asleep.

Me〉I realized I’m actually a pretty terrible person

It was read immediately.

Naruse〉So what

Me〉When I think about it, I don’t really know anything about you, Naruse

Me〉Even though we talked so much, I know nothing

Naruse〉I don’t know much about you either, Aoki

Me〉What did you like about Soyama?

Naruse〉That is

Naruse〉Probably

Naruse〉If I put it your way, his points were high, right?

Me〉Isn’t that kind of complicated? You said it was good that my points were just average

Naruse〉Is it? It’s simple

I wanted to keep chatting with Naruse like that, but—

Me〉Talk later

I got up from bed.

As I left the house, my mother said,『You don’t have to push yourself.』I didn’t reply.

Naruse〉I’m bad with mornings. Sleepy

Me〉I might quit school

Naruse〉Seriously?

Just like that, I headed to school.

When I reached the classroom, I took a deep breath. Then I stepped inside.

As soon as I entered, my classmates turned expressionless faces toward me. Eyes like they were looking at an insect.

I sat down in my seat. I figured I was lucky just to still have one.

Classes went on, and when lunch break came, I spoke to Soyama. Talking to him, surrounded by his close group at the very back of the classroom, took a fair bit of courage.

“Got a minute?”

“No.”

Soyama looked at me with a smirk.

“What is it?”

Even as he said that, Soyama followed me.

I wanted to talk somewhere no one could see.

The two of us left the school building and walked outside. Nearby, a park close to the school.

“So, what?”

“Hey…”

If my voice shook, it’d look pathetic, so I forced it low.

“Stop doing messed-up stuff to Kasuga.”

“And why should I take orders from you?”

Soyama laughed and fiddled with his phone.

I could hear the trees in the park rustling.

“Should I get on my knees and beg?”

“Don’t say something so boring. I don’t want to see your cheap apology.”

“Then…”

“Isn’t there something more interesting?”

Soyama looked around, then—

“Let’s go with that.”

He pointed at the pond in the corner of the park.

“If you go to your afternoon classes soaking wet, I’ll call it even.”

As I stood there stunned, Soyama smirked.

“Come on, hurry up.”

He started clapping his hands, urging me on.

I was fed up.

I jumped and plunged into the pond. Water splashed everywhere.

『Ugh, that’s gross』some of it splattered onto Soyama’s pants.

Kneeling in the mud at the bottom of the pond, I glared up at him.

“Soyama, keep your promise.”

“We’ll see.”

Soyama left me there and went back to the classroom first.

During fifth period, whispers of『What’s that?』filled the classroom, and water dripped from my shirt.

“Aoki, what the hell is this?”

The social studies teacher looked at me, clearly confused.

“I went swimming in the pond during lunch.”

“…Go to the nurse’s office and change.”

“No thanks.”

The teacher stood in front of my desk, looking at me with complete annoyance.

“Don’t mess around.”

“I’m not.”

“Just get out of the classroom.”

“No.”

He grabbed me under the arms and tried to force me to stand, but I held onto the desk and resisted.

His face turned red as he tried to pull me up, but maybe because he wasn’t the passionate type to begin with, he eventually gave up.

“Do whatever you want. I don’t care anymore. But Aoki, I’m marking you absent for today’s class. People like you don’t have rights. I’ll count you as someone who doesn’t exist here.”

But attendance didn’t matter to me anymore, so I replied,『That’s fine.』

After school, Soyama called me out behind the school building.

Behind the building faced the field, and I could hear people getting ready for club activities. Occasionally, I could feel their eyes glancing over at us.

“This is good enough for you, right?”

When I said that, Soyama laughed.

“You actually did it. That’s seriously hilarious.”

The wet shirt I was wearing was annoying me, so I took it off. Then I wrung it out. Water streamed down and dripped onto the ground.

“I called Kasuga here. And while I was at it, Naruse too.”

Kasuga came out from the school hallway. She looked downcast. But Naruse wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

“Let’s have her decide. Hey, Kasuga, take a look. Pathetic, right?”

Soyama curled his lips into a grin and turned toward Kasuga.

“Aoki-kun says we shouldn’t see each other anymore. You okay with that?”

Kasuga didn’t answer him.

“…Was it you, Soyama-kun, who made Aoki all soaked today?” she asked instead.

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“When you put it that way… why, huh.”

Soyama put a hand to his chin in an exaggerated gesture, as if thinking it over.

“Maybe there isn’t any meaning to this kind of thing.”

With a satisfied look, as if he’d found the answer, Soyama said it.

“Even if I wasn’t at this school, someone else would’ve done it. So it’s not like I’m the one at fault.”

That, in its own way, might be true. What Soyama was saying wasn’t exactly off.

“I just found Aoki annoying. That’s all. Everyone else feels the same way, so I’m just speaking for the class. That’s why I don’t think I’m in the wrong. I mean, no one’s complaining, right? I might’ve nudged things in that direction, but sooner or later, it would’ve ended up like this anyway. That’s just the unspoken understanding. If you ask who’s the most at fault, I still think it’s Aoki. There’s an order to things, right? And that means you’re supposed to act within the bounds of your role. But if someone misunderstands that and says things they shouldn’t or does things they shouldn’t, then yeah, I think it’s only natural they get punished. Talking back to me like that. Trying to go out with Cocoa. Stuff like that…someone at Aoki’s level isn’t supposed to do.”

Before long, Soyama’s face returned to a bored expression.

“I’ve got club activities soon, so I should get going.”

“Oh, right. By the way, that notebook… I was the one who did that.”

He said it casually, like it was nothing.

“Wait… what? Why?”

“That’s what I’m saying, questions like『why』are annoying.”

Soyama looked at me with a mocking grin and said, 『We’re done here, right?』as if confirming.

“No, wait.”

When I grabbed Soyama’s arm as he tried to leave, he shook me off, tripped me, and knocked me to the ground. Then he kicked me from above. Maybe my sense of pain was numbed, because even though the kicks were strong, I didn’t feel anything.

“That’s just your role right now.”

At that moment, Kasuga forcefully turned on a nearby faucet. Startled, both Soyama and I looked at her. Kasuga filled a bucket with water until it overflowed.

Then she picked it up and looked toward us. She was breathing quickly, inhaling and exhaling in agitation. Then, lifting the bucket over her head—

she poured it down onto herself.

Kasuga stood there, completely drenched.

“…What is that supposed to mean?”

Soyama said with a wry smile.

“Let’s go, Aoki.”

Kasuga grabbed my hand and forcefully pulled me up.

“Go ahead, just keep huddling together like a bunch of pathetic losers.”

“The pathetic one here is you, Soyama.”

Naruse’s voice rang out.

She was leaning against a pillar of the school building behind him, watching us. I had no idea how long she’d been there.

Soyama turned around and glared at Naruse.

“You really think you can talk to me like that? Don’t blame me if I broadcast that over the school speakers.”

At that, Naruse fell silent.

“Naruse, do it. Take that bucket from earlier and dump it on Aoki. If you do that, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear what you just said. Go on. Do it.”

Strangely, Naruse moved as if she’d been hypnotized, turning the faucet and starting to fill the bucket. The sound of water pouring into it echoed in the air.

Then, holding the full bucket up to her face level, she stood in front of me.

“It’s fine, Naruse.”

I accepted it completely.

“Go ahead.”

Naruse’s face twisted.

And then—she threw the bucket of water.

At Soyama.

Soaked through, Soyama glared at Naruse as if to intimidate her.

“Do you even realize what you just did?”

“I don’t care.”

“You’re the one who’s going to lose out.”

“But you can’t live your whole life just thinking about gains and losses. I just realized that.”

Naruse took my hand.

“Let’s go.”

Kasuga grabbed my arm too and we started running.

Even after we passed through the school gates, Kasuga kept running like she was shaking something off.

***

“Hey, Kasuga—”

I was getting tired of running and called out to her.

“Kasuga, stop.”

Gradually, like a car easing off the accelerator, her pace slowed, and eventually she came to a stop. Naruse and I stopped too. The three of us stood by the sidewalk, talking under the sunlight.

“I actually…”

Kasuga said, looking frustrated.

“I wanted to throw the water on Soyama, but I couldn’t.”

If I were in Kasuga’s place, could I have done it? I wondered.

“But… I feel relieved.”

Naruse said that and Kasuga let out a small laugh, like she’d just remembered something funny.

“What are we going to do about class starting tomorrow?”

She laughed,『Haha』but then suddenly her face fell, and she held her head.

“By the way, Naruse-san, there’s something I’m curious about.”

As if her own fate didn’t matter as much, Kasuga asked.

“That thing Soyama mentioned earlier…what was that? Is he blackmailing you or something?”

“Ah… do you want to know?”

“If you don’t want to say—”

“I don’t want to say it, but I want to say it, so I’ll say it.”

Naruse covered her face with both hands.

“Actually… I don’t want to say it after all.”

She crouched down and let out a sigh.

I crouched down too and pulled Naruse’s hands away from her face.

“Tell me.”

“You’ll end up hating me, Aoki.”

“I won’t.”

“I said the same thing before… and I still ended up hating you, didn’t I?”

“Even now?”

“Not now… but still.”

“Then—”

“He recorded a video.”

“………………………………………………………………………………”

“A video.”

“You mean…”

“Yeah. That kind.”

“So…”

“He threatened to upload it online. And because of that, he took your notebook.”

I thought. I had to do something. But if I made the wrong move, it felt like hell was waiting.

“What should I do… I’m sorry.”

It’s not your fault, Naruse.

“Sorry I’m not your ideal girl.” I kept thinking.

“He said he’d upload it to xvideos.”

Something in me snapped.